From Grief to Gratitude

March 3, 2024

The hot water ran down my back as I pressed my forehead against the cold tile shower wall…wondering how many other cold shower walls I had pressed my forehead up against, seeking a moment of relief as the tears streamed down my face.

My brain wonders how many walls, how many tears have I cried to live this life that I am living right now in California as I take a hot shower and stare out of the window looking at the orange tree in my new backyard.

Every time I shower, I turn the scalding hot water on and open the window to vent out the bathroom…there’s no fan so it get’s wicked steamy…plus I like the fresh air and the view. The orange tree. A FUCKIN ORANGE TREE, in the backyard. Coming from Massachusetts it’s really wild, weird and wonderful to me that fresh fruit literally GROWS, on trees, in human’s backyards here in California and it is ready to just pick and eat….like that’s not how it be in Massachusetts. I mean yes in Summer other times there are apple trees and berry bushes…but ORANGES and, did I mention a huge ass LEMON tree too, in Winter? It’s again, wild and wonderful for my brain to process.

I digress…the orange tree…It’s really weird for me to continue to pour my heart and soul out, first for me, then twice as hard for YOU, in order to help me feel and heal, gain relief and understand this human experience as best as I can….

It’s really odd to think about how I got to California, today, March 3, 2024…when 2 years ago I was just in Wilmington, NC and planning on how to stay in Myrtle Beach, SC for work at the time. As I stare at the orange tree I feel my chest get heavy…the anxiety, the sadness, the realization that if Jacob hadn’t died almost 2 years ago in May I likely wouldn’t even BE in California or the human being that I am today.

…Literally riding the wave, one moment at a time…from GRIEF to GRATITUDE…The Mean & The Magic of this brutal beautiful human experience, which just happens to be the title of my FIRST book that was just recently published!

I feel so deeply when I look at this orange tree…I am truly so beyond grateful that I am in a warm, safe comfortable home, taking a hot ass shower with unlimited water, with the window open, in March, looking at this fuckin orange tree, in the backyard of the home I am residing in, in California.

How did this become my life? In order to get here I feel like I lived through SO many lives. Truly. The human being that I am, that GOT ME, to California in January, is not the same woman that I am right now, writing this journal entry on Sunday morning from my couch, punching away on the keys in the living room like an asshole thinking they are in surround sound as the house is silent….BUT inspired ideas hit and I am finding the keys, the paper, my phone, anything that I can to just get it out of me, because it MUST be inside of my soul for a reason, so it’s got to come out, first for me, then twice as hard for YOU and anyone else who may need it to heal, feel better and gain relief.

Because it is OKAY and HUMAN to feel both, the gratitude for the moment of love and life, looking at the orange tree, with happiness and joy. But it is also very relevant, real and raw to FEEL and recognize, wow…this fuckin hurts too and is hard as hell knowing that I can never tell Jacob HOW I got to California, WHAT I am feeling, dreaming, hoping…it does not feel good to know that I am experiencing things, living lives, moments of magic that I will never be able to share, speak or vocalize with Jacob and many other humans in my world who I love and have lost, and honestly, humans who are still here too, just on the OTHER side of the fuckin country now…There is grief in leaving behind my “old life” in Massachusetts and recognizing and understanding that I am now in California building a life without some of the most important humans in my world, physically present here, beside me, building WITH me.

There is brutal beauty and being so aware of these moments, these feelings that come up inside of me and need to get out or just feel too heavy to carry while I try to heal, feel and find my JOY again, even in the moments of mean..I know the magic is in between and I am really working on living in those moments of magic more and more.

I am also working on SHARING those moments of magic (and mean) with the world more again because I know it is inside of my soul for a reason and it HAS to come to the surface to continue helping me heal, feel and help others navigate riding this wave, the brutal beauty of being a human..from these huge fuckin feels of GRIEF, to GRATITUDE and all the other emotions in between, that are ALL relevant, valid and honestly necessary to FLOW through and FEEL, in order to continue feeling BETTER in life…which I believe is the goal of this human experience….

The better YOU FEEL, the BETTER life gets. Despite the darkness and shit fuckery. The love and light live within you…always, even when it feels so incredibly alone and dark sometimes…it’s okay and human if the grief, sadness, anxiety and gross feels of HOW you got to become the magical, joyful, blissful human you are live there too.

It’s actually normal…As I always say….I am a walking contradiction. The yin and the yin. The light and the dark. The sun and the moon. Sunrise and sunset. The Mean & The Magic. One cannot exist without the other and I am embracing it, breathing it in and exhaling it all back out in hopes of feeling better and helping someone else feel better too because sometimes it is so brutal and truly beautiful living this human experience.