Broken Brain
August 18, 2023
When a human you love dies it’s almost like your brain breaks…along with your whole heart…No one tells you this though, like you can’t WARN someone what death feels like, unfortunately, until you experience it…
as i laid on my yoga mat this morning, trying to consciously tune into my breath, listening to Wendi’s words…i thought of Jacob, him holding my hand, kissing my palm, putting it against his face, looking at me in awe like I was this magical unicorn as I drove and rapped my lil heart away….
Then suddenly I felt a tightness in my chest laying on my mat, my mind immediately questioning •DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN? Is that a memory that did occur with this man who is no longer here a part of the planet? Or did your brain break, make it up and hope it did happen because you miss him?• It. Was. Insane.
And now, even off my mat…As i write this..I cant even tell you..im still NOT SURE if that happened with Jacob or again, my brain broke, and made it up? I’m pretty sure it did… Sadly though, the fucked up part is…I WILL NEVER KNOW. Because Jacob’s unfortunately fuckin gone and the only other being to experience any of those moments, is ME..and fuckkkk if I know…
Trauma, sudden death, death and loss in general, do, fuck your brain up…And again, it’s not something you are taught growing up typically, or even as a human adult..There’s no •Death & Dying 101• you can take as an online course (there honestly probably is now? Trademarking it mine) But, as a human you’re not usually taught much bout death until it HAPPENS and you HAVE to just LEARN HOW to handle it, in that moment..and fuckkkk..does it suck…
And the days that follow…Hold on tight there little buddy, buckle up, it’s going to be a fuckin ride…A ride i wish no one has to take, but majority of us will at some point while living this human experience. And it is NOT EASY, but it is EASIER when humans do get bold and brave enough to talk bout it..even when its dark, even when your brain is broken and it doesn’t make any sense…Because it’ll never make sense, and we need to be reminded of that…
When you start to question WHY. About anything…or HOW….it creates chaos for the brain because it’s not HERE when you ask those questions…its worrying, wondering, working through shit that doesnt even matter, when all that truly does matter IS the MAGIC of this very moment, here and now. Because it really is all you have..this, right here and now. One moment you’re here and now.
And the next you have no idea. Literally. That’s life. It just is. And today on my mat..WONDERING down the hole of questions…. •did that really happen with Jacob? I still cant even believe i met him, then he fuckin died, how, how is this still even real, well i wouldnt even be HERE and now on my mat in Massachusetts if i hadnt met Jacob, i wouldnt be the ME that I am today…•
Death makes you question it all…And you’ll never get the answers and i learned very quickly while riding my new wave of grief that if you do continue to hold onto the questions that you cannot change, recognizing unfortunately ITJUST IS and it doesn’t matter if that actual moment happened or not, if you don’t LET GO and LEARN TO LIVE again, letting the love and light shine through you, truly one breath at a time, you will be consumed by that darkness….
And i finally let myself melt into my mat, letting GO and leaning into Wendi’s words..I continue to surrender it all, the light and the dark, the humans who are in my world for a moment of magic and the humans meant to be in my world for more…Being a human, hurting, healing, finding your happy again after death and darkness is so brutal and beautiful…The Mean & The Magic as I like to call it…
Learning to LIVE and LOVE again after loss has been one of my greatest life lessons so far and the only answer I do have is that if I can make it ache any less, bring relief and hope to another human hurting and remind a fellow soul that they will fuckin survive this, somehow, one breath at a time, and that you are not alone riding this wave that will always be present like the ocean, but change daily like the tides…I will share and I will learn to live and love again, first for me, then TWICE as hard for all of YOU and Jacob who i know is just cheering me the fuck on to •light it up• as he would say.
