Foreign Fear
February 6, 2023
It’s funny…I haven’t written here in over a month, and I am still feeling the same as my last post…Walled Up..and it is brutal.
This new foreign fear of, well basically loss, life, love, everything…has taken over. My life. My relationships. My emotions on a day to day, moment to moment basis. And then I am typing this like “is this A LITTLE TOO DRAMATIC? or is this how I am just fuckin feeling?” Either way…..it doesn’t feel good…It feels so heavy, so full of sadness and anger that I truly don’t want any part of, but feels like will forever be apart of me…
As I type this I know this moment of ache is just that, a moment. And then I will have another moment of FUCK YAS, I am okay, I am capable, I am strong, I got this…then another wave of sadness….Welcome to being a human..It sucks sometimes and it’s an experience no one gets the choice if they want to be apart of, you’re just here, figuring it out as you go with no instruction manual besides YOUR inner knowing, that intuition of “this doesn’t feel good” or “this feels great” and sometimes we second guess that intuition because of fear of what is “right and wrong” but I learned a long time ago what’s right and wrong is different in everyone’s brain. SO i changed that narrative to WHAT FEELS BEST. And still I find, sometimes my head and heart battle, at what feels best, but only because this new blanket or armor of “grief fear” let’s call it, has fucked me up…
I am not me….I am this human trying to fuckin survive that is not Joyfully Jinelle anymore…I am fuckin sad all the time and angry all the time, well it feels like ALL the time, but it’s not. It’s moments again of anger and sadness, riding the wave of grief, in between the moments of magic, then the ache comes…gawd the ache, I don’t wish anyone to feel this ache in your heart you can’t even describe.
Before I started typing a friend of mine shared a post on Facebook “Your mess is your message” and I was like brooo…IS IT THOUGHHHHH…Insert immediate eye roll, but I KNOW, it’s a honest truth, and truth fuckin hurts. And I am hurting…hence TRUTH…Full circle ya see that…
Although I find in some messes, it’s hard to find the message because the mess is just SO fuckin cruel and mean….Like sudden unexpected death….You don’t have a choice, that human is just gone, you don’t get a choice, you don’t get to say goodbye, you don’t get anything with them physically ever again. And I know as I type it and it hits someone’s eyeballs, it’s going to sound so cruel, but that’s because it is, and it’s unfortunate reality of death. The physical presence of that being that you loved is no longer available for you to soak up.
So then it feels like a normal logical LOVING human heart and head would think, “Life’s TOO SHORT, you should LOVE all the humans in your world that you love, EVEN HARDER, because you never know.” So true, you never know….but before my brain, bod and heart can even ENJOY the humans around me…this new fuckin armor is secured shut around my bod, making it almost impossible for love to leak it’s way into me…because gawd forbid you feel good, it might go away….BRUTAL right? I know. I’m fuckin living it. And again, the part that I feel like is eating me alive is that it’s SO foreign and new because I’ve never experienced 2 sudden deaths like this before in my life, and I’ve also worked incredibly hard over the last decade on my self love journey using “all the tools” to create and gain relief in times of life’s uncontrollable….but no one ever gives you the tools for when someone dies unexpectedly and how to handle your life from there on out without them, different in every aspect….
Long story short…Grief still sucks. Being a human, hurting, healing, whole, trying to find your happy…is really fuckin challenging…But I am here, hoping that “My MESS, is my MESSAGE” and someone finds comfort, relief and ease in my words and don’t even know if they make sense….
Every time I write “even if my words don’t make sense,” my soul screams WHO CARES it doesn’t need to make any type of sense to anyone if it soothes YOUR soul Jinelle, just let it flow.”
>>> The mean and the magic, the mess in the message…My words are my magic, my words are my power, my words are meant to be shared and heard by the world.
