Head vs. Heart
February 26, 2023
…•no one’s going to love you, you have too much trauma and damage• my brain said as I made a challenging adult decision yesterday…
and in the next second my heart immediately came to my defense with •thats so not true Jinelle, you are lovable as fuck, but definitely call your Mom to confirm•
And then my ego bitch brain kicked in immediately kindly reminding me •and dont forget to be fuckin grateful when you call your Mom cause you have too many amazing friends without Moms that cant call to affirm them•
Like What. The. Fuck. Truly. Being human feels SO insane sometimes for me because I’m too fuckin aware. I am so yin and yang I am fighting to get out of my head in the fuckin ego, doubtful, bullshit fearful darkness covered in grief and live in love & lead the way with my heart But the battle, its exhausting lately, well probably since end of November after Sean unexpectedly passed away.
I am not the same human I was and im learning quick, I will never be the same human again. And it hurts and it’s hard learning to live as this new Jinelle where loss has me living in more moments of fear, doubt, worry than in love, light and joy…Which I’ve worked incredibly hard practicing over the last decade because I knew back then I didnt want any type of darkness to win.
Well, no one tells you about the darkness of grief and how to handle it when it happens and unfortunately majority of humans in this world will experience some type of loss and trauma in their lifetime. But again, no one seems to talk about it….
This gross wave of grief you just fuckin ride, without a choice, and are just put on..with mostly no control, that just feels fuckin endless some days. And makes you feel, like, well, not •you• because you arent the you YOU know, anymore, you’re a human hurting, healing and whole all at once…Aching for answers as to how this happened or why and when will you gain relief, will you ever feel like yourself again? Will the walls you worked so hard to break down over the last decade, that you now built back up in defense for fear of letting love get close to you because youre afraid to lose it..will the new cloak of grief and this fortress ever weaken..Better yet…
when will i feel strong enough to open up my heart again and not let my head win?
Experiencing 2 sudden young deaths within 6months changed everything for me. Especially as I try to be openminded, openhearted and welcome in new experiences and humans into my world…Because well, the last human I did that with died unexpectedly. And again, no one tells you much about grief or loss, but when navigating it alongside humans in your life you have relationships with…and then NEW relationships and humans….wow wow wow wow wow.
WAY more challenging than I anticipated. I am again finding this fear keeping me in more of a survival mode state of worry than a state of wonder and excitement I want to be living in more so. And there are moments of magic, for sure, I am working on creating more of those intentionally to let that love &joyful Jinelle lead the way again, but the fear keeps winning…
So when my brain beats me up and I cant seem to win like it does A LOT lately, i literally called in backup. My heart was like •IMMEDIATELY NO• buttttt just incase use a lifeline…
Long story long long, if you even made it this far…Being a human is fuckin challenging. And I KNOW, i keep saying that, but it be facts. I know they are just moments, truly..but the challengng uncomfortable moments, including grief and loss, that arw definitely apart of the human experience, need to be talked about more because you’re not alone in the ache.
And i know I’m not either.
But in those brutal moments when your brain seems to beat your human heart, just hang on, know you’re riding the wave, and that moment of mean will pass and you’ll find the magic once more
