Walled Up
January 10, 2023
…Grief is cruel. Is steals your joy in the moment. One second you’re so grateful, that there are no words and the next you’re gutted on the ground, they’re gone, that’s it. And they’re never coming back.
This most recent sudden death in my world has walled me up with a new shield of armor like I’ve never experienced before. In May i thought I had experienced one of my toughest challenges of life thus far..ripping me wide open..grieving the loss of a man who mirrored me so fully it took his death in order for me to finally shine my light. And now I feel like with another sudden shocking death within 6months, I can’t even remember Jacob dying because Seans sudden passing has shattered me in ways like I’ve never experienced and dont wish anyone to feel or witness…
Since Sean passed I’m wearing this protective armor, like a cape wrapped around me, and I cant let anyone close to me or let anyone love me cause what’s the point? It could all be gone in a moment. I know. It’s brutal. And then i am so fully the yin to my yang, where I see the light in the dark and know it’s a MUST to lean into love even more so because life is tragic sometimes, unpredictable, and you do truly never know.
But I’m finding I’m letting that fear, the doubt, the ego, the “what if” worry, win in my world, walling me up, keeping me on defense with connections I’m trying to cultivate and the healing I am trying to do.
It feels so foreign, this fear…because ive worked so hard to remain faithful even in the darkest shit fuckery. But sometimes life is just fucked.
And the human mind can just beat you up and make you feel like you dont know how to live anymore or who you are because a part of you died with that human. And this new fuckin fear of…insert any sense of normalcy again..comfort, connection, safety, love..feels like it’s impossible to obtain becausw this fear has now taken the place of the good, joyful feels you once knew were YOU, but are now lost beneath the brutal reality of being a human now grieving, navigating a new world without.
I’m not sure where this is leading except I knew i needed to get it out of me and just write because the ache is just too much today. I need to remind myself the writing is first for me…just like I’m learning to live again, first for me, then twice as hard for (you) the beautiful humans who cannot be here..as much as it hurts to, it’s all they’d want you to do.
The foreign fear…i hope it begins to dissipate soon..I know its no way to live, truly, but it’s present in my world so I’m acknowledging it, recognizing it and trying to shine the light on the darkness each time it comes up and today there was a lot of dark, so that’s why i let the light lead me, here, to writing, late night….Where my soul always thrived 🦉
And surely enough i feel slightly lighter as i sigh an exhale of relief to regain my grounding, getting my words out into the world…wondering..will it matter? But deep down knowing it’s got to or it wouldn’t be inside of my soul, screaming to be poured out 🙏🌈✨
