Here I am.

10.31.22.

Today I hit publish on this site and immediately wanted to text you…Then realized I couldn’t. And I was instantly back riding the wave of grief as tears rolled down my cheeks remembering this human being isn’t apart of the planet anymore and you can never tell him you finished your website Jinelle.

I sobbed silently in the living room as I celebrated the success of my website with close friends via text…”It only took a traumatic death and decade in the making, but it’s live.”

I literally procrastinated this website for years…”Sleeping on my magic” as Jacob would say. “Why are you sleeping on your magic?” Fear. Doubt. More fear…of what? I have no idea….Success. Failure. Both….Either way, I still couldn’t tell you and it was what I felt in that moment that I wanted more than anything, to tell you I did it. I know you’d be proud. I am….

Here I am world. It only took a traumatic death and a decade in the making…But here I am…Just me. Joyfully Jinelle. Happy. Hurting. Healing. Whole. Human. Here&now. Sharing my story, a new chapter that I didn’t anticipate on writing, but know I am meant to share with the lost soul’s who can’t seem to find the light switch as they too flail around searching in the dark.

It’s been almost 6months of searching for that light switch in the dark…and each day I get closer to finding the switch, I am hopeful I will shine my light again and the dark days are fewer in between…but still fear I will forget the moments of magic with you. I question, “Did that actual happen? Or did I make it up and hope it happened?”

And now I wonder if my words make sense…then I remember that doesn’t really matter either because this journal space is for me, and I know the humans who need healing and hope will figure it out, find comfort and just to flow as I share my feels…

Here’s to ending October better than before, head. heart. heart. biz. soul. With a website I’ve slept on for far too long and my story I stopped sharing as I got lost in the dark along the way in life…But here I am world. Here&now. Feeling it to heal it, learning to live and shine my light bright again. First for me, then twice as hard for you.