No one is coming to save you.

November 4, 2022.

…”And today we are going to focus on our warrior poses.” Fitting for standing strong, rooted, secure and grounded in your power, in your will and divine will, in your inner light and knowing, shining bright like the sun….we worked and focused our breath on our 3rd chakra, the solar plexus, this morning in my Friday restorative flow…

Laying in shavasana I felt myself melt into my mat listening to the affirmation to TRUST myself more, to listen to my intuition more and KNOW that I am here&now for a reason…I exhaled and let the tears roll down my cheeks focusing on my breath and a radiating yellow light growing in my belly, that solar plexus third chakra, expanding with my breath…Knowing. Trusting. Allowing. Surrendering. More…Letting my mat take the weight of the world off my shoulders in this moment for me.

The Universe doesn’t give you anything you cannot handle…even when you are in the thick of the shit fuckery, truly. And i say that as I am reminded today of some serious darkness I’ve come out of healing since losing Jacob May 24 this year. I remember when he first died and I was living in Myrtle Beach, SC just a few months ago…I had just moved in with Deb, loved my new living space at the moment, but was wondering HOW the hell I would now heal this incredible HOLE and HURT I had in my heart that literally ached inside of me. My yoga instructor affirmed, LEAN in, LISTEN more, to your intuition, trust yourself, in that solar plexus chakra..in YOUR PERSONAL POWER. Bold. Bright. Beautiful. Brave. Shining. Without any fucks to give, just like the sun on this gorgeous 65 and sunnnn shiney day here in New England.

Throughout the day the Universe continued to affirm and remind me to trust myself, LEAN IN, listen, KNOW, have faith, even in the darkest of darks, YOU are a WARRIOR and have survived….I got home from yoga, checked in on my socials opening up Instagram to an affirmation stating…”No one is coming to save you.” And I was like wow….fuckinggg. BRUTAL.

>> And instantly transported back to the floor of my new space in SC sobbing my heart out alone, hugging myself so hard, affirming “I don’t want to do this. How will I do this. I don’t know how to do this…I don’t want to do this. NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU JINELLE.” I was ripped wide open…Grieving knowing truly, no one was actually coming to save me in this darkness. Even with family and friends supporting me from afar in MA, I had no human comfort for a hug, to help ease this hurt and hard, and I knew I had to do this alone….And it was going to hurt like fuckin hell and get dark as fuck before it got bright again….

And it did. It was dark…for days….And I wondered HOW the hell I would ever survive this….This unexpected, new grief I didn’t want to know ANYTHING about and didn’t wish upon anyone. But I knew I had to survive, I didn’t have a choice…but HOW… I leaned IN. Into what…? In to love. Into ANYTHING other than the questions in my head and heart of how this happened, why did this happen and how will I survive this brutal ache…Love.

I let love lead me. I let love be my answer for it all. How? Love. I leaned into anything and anyone I loved. Letting LOVE lead me back to the light and out of the darkness, one moment at a time.

>> Months later, no one and nothing has come to save me…and I know nothing outside of myself ever will. And I don’t need anyone to save me. I don’t say that in a way like “I don’t need anything or anyone, I don’t need help.” Because I have certainly learned to vocalize and ask for support and help from humans during this new chapter from friends, family and professionals to gain relief, better feels and grasp on this grief to continue to let love lead the way…I say “I don’t need anyone to save me.” Because as the Universe continued to remind me today I am strong, capable, courageous and I am a warrior. I AM LOVE. Love is saving me. I don’t need to be saved by anything or anyone. I am my savior. Love is life. I am love. I am the only one who is coming to soothe and “save” myself from this darkness…

Since May I have been saving myself by LOVING myself more and letting my intuition lead the way back to me learning how to Live and SHINE my light again…First for ME, and then twice as hard for Jacob…And for the other humans who are no longer able to shine their light here apart of this planet. Love is literally life saving and life changing…if you let it lead you out of the darkness. So when you hear the cliche sayings, “love is all you need” and when I say, “joy is the job,” it really is. As a human who is still hurting, healing, whole and happy…all at once…Love and joy have saved me time and time again in the darkest of dark. This year especially. Love lead me to reiki energy healing to help myself heal…letting that life and light force energy of LOVE, faith, trust and KNOWING I am safe, supported, guided is my moment to moment magic.

>> Love lets me know I’ll figure it out because I always have…I am my lifetime of proof, still here. Just Joyfully Jinelle. Knowing. Trusting. Confident. Learning to let go of needing to know WHY or HOW and just knowing I am supported, despite ((it)) despite anything. How do I know? I just do…because I am still here. despite. Letting LOVE save me and help soothe my soul to stand in my power and KNOW I am magic, JOY is my JOB, I am capable, I am strong, I am courageous, and here&now for a reason, and my purpose of being ME is my POWER, in that solar plexus, shining, yellow, brave, bold and bright once again despite the darkness, like the sun.

>> Today and every day I continue to surrender, allow, lean in, LET GO some more, and let love lead me to the light I know how to SHINE BRIGHT by being Joyfully Jinelle, with my huge heart, new J shaped hole and all…Still here&now. Healing, whole, hurting, happy. Letting love lead me to my light moment to moment.